That Muscle in Your Chest aka Your Heart and What You Wish to Do With It

Earlier today, I was able to talk to a good friend about something I was very eager to
voice out. Amidst all this giggling and flirting is a deep-seated fear that concerns love.
My previous relationship was intense. We were electric. Aside from loving my child
immensely, I have never felt such a deep love for another human being. I fell in love with
X. And although we were extremely different—the chasm between us was so great--- we
found a way to build a solid bridge. Even in all impossibility, a soul connection was built.
That was what made me feel and decide that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with
him.

Clearly, this has changed with all my naïveté gone.  I am terrified by the idea of love. I think I might not be able to love as deeply as I have. The idea of labor of being in a relationship exhausts me. Can I be myself? How will I fit this person into my
life? What roles will we both take? What if I just end up being like the main character in Joyce's "Araby?" What will happen to me after the relationship? I know I am getting ahead of myself, but these questions must be faced. I'll never get answers until I finally agree to let someone into my life.

It's great to finally accept that I am not closing my heart. I am not that eager, though.
It's just that I don't feel the need to be an emotional recluse, so I can work on myself.
There's really no "perfect" time, since we will forever be works in progress. Getting in
a relationship is all about balance and having a level head. With that said, I can look at
myself and say: "Hey, I do not have any major hang-ups." I am responsible enough for
myself that I can be with another person. But of course, the test of the pudding is in the
eating.

I'm not saying that I'll proactively seek someone to be with. The point is that I am not
closing myself because of fear and unrealistic expectations. It is true that a first love will
shape you in ways you can never imagine. It leaves indelible marks in your personhood.

But the knowledge of what you learn, good or bad, is at your disposal; you can always
have the option to act the best way possible to make a new relationship grow, so you can
also flourish in it.

(September 6, 2010)