Tuesday, September 21, 2010

On Discipline, Will, Appreciation, and Restraint*



So where are my thoughts oscillating right now? Or rather, what's the most dominant thread? I had no idea as I felt that there's nothing new really (This happens when I'm so fixated on something: I miss the bigger picture.). It took a meeting to give me a clearer view from the fence I was on. The most recurring thought is discipline and how I can use it to shape my life the way I want to.


In a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm a 7.5 on the discipline meter. I get things done, yes. I never veer away from my target, yes (I take long cuts, though.). The missing points account for the effort I put into. There's effort, but I do feel (at times), that I have so much more of myself to give and put into what it is that I have to do. I guess I just tend to be lazy if not preoccupied with many other things. Maybe, I'm also spreading myself too thinly; I end up carrying out my tasks in a haphazard manner. The result of this is a pale show of discipline's fruits.


Where does this leave me now? Knowing I sometimes am off tangent makes me want to just keep still and draw straight lines, so I won't wander off. Sometimes I wish I could just be a horse with blinders, but that won't work either---- I do care too much about the bigger picture.


I guess what I want is an intense discipline that breeds spontaneity, the one that lets you learn by experiencing everything in full. How I get that, I have no idea, but I trust that it will come when I need it the most. I just want to be ablaze with it and let it help me reach my full potential.




A very dear friend (Let us call her The Quintessence.) and I had a conversation over lunch. We barely spend time with each other, but when we do, like today, we end up unearthing many thoughts that resonate with us. This noon, it was about people and how jaded she was. According to her, no one longer impresses her. She thinks it's because she's always around overachievers. She sees them everyday.


It's not an envy issue. She's aware of what she's capable of. It's just that she feels the need to be wowed.


I can relate to this, but I won't pretend to know her kind of jadedness fully. In my case, I

am fond of the little things or quirks that make up a person, so it is much easier for me to love. I blame my new eyes for this—I am in love with most things at the moment, people included. Most times, I am just amazed by them, flaws and all.  


My response to her is that maybe, she needs new things in her life and that she has to just appreciate people, overachievers or not. I said this because I feel/think that no matter where a person is in this life, invisible work (to borrow Rilke's words) is happening. There may not be any visible fruits to speak of, but the toiling is real and that in itself is an accomplishment. As long as a person doesn't stagnate and continues to expand his or her horizons in whatever way, it could be called an accomplishment.


It seemed like she knew this already, but was too tired to remember. It happens to everyone, this kind of forgetting. I wonder when my turn will be, so I'll just keep my eyes open to avoid it.




...*private entry.


(September 20, 2010)


Cat's Paw said...

Reminds me of what I quoted from that Sheryl Crow song: "I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone/Why I'm a stranger in my own life".

"I am fond of the little things or quirks that make up a person, so it is much easier for me to love."

Ah! That I do envy. I want that back - that generous will to love. You're right. I've been so tired lately, not just physically, but emotionally. Last night while lamenting to ---- and thinking about what we talked of, I realized that I'm on emotional burnout (more in an email). That's why I feel so disconnected and unimpressed with people, and why I haven't been making much of an effort to connect to new people, and open the eyes of my heart to see them for more than what they've achieved. Bad me.

New things... perhaps a new purpose?

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