A Few Things: Loss, Will, and Youth

I.

I do miss leaning on your shoulder. (You shall never find out.)

II.

My disposition as a single mother has brought about a default state of feeling
overwhelmed most of the time. Rewind to the first few months of motherhood when
I thought I'd go mad. I had no self-concept or identity to speak of. I was a nebulous
mess. Running away from everything was a very appealing idea, for I could not wrap
my mind around the thought that I have the potential to ruin something so pure: a child.

This fear, of course, has a long history: broken trust, disillusionment, and betrayal
were all part of the equation. I did not want to replicate that in my daughter's life. Back
then, I was that much of a coward, I thought I'd never get to figuring myself out. I was
overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do. I feared the invisible battle and the
responsibilities of the real world. Succeeding did not seem possible; I was meant to drag
everybody down.

But that was roughly two years ago, when I was a newly jilted bride, an "almost misus."
Many external changes have happened, and these were brought about by invisible work.
I still find myself overwhelmed, but not disgruntled. Although I still feel scattered most
of the time (primarily because of juggling too many tasks), I now have a clearer grasp of
what I'm doing. Or so I'd like to think.

The fact is I get very tired. Sure, some say I make it look so easy. I do hate to employ
clichés, but most times, I just want to scream my head off, break down, close up shop. I
need to take a break from my life.

It's no longer about escape. This break is about confrontation. I want time and space to
ask myself all the important questions. I want to be more in tune with my rhythm because
at times, I seem to reject it.

I (I use this personal pronoun way too much. See? Ha-ha! Oh, the sarcasm.) dream
of traveling alone. I'd love to go backpaking somewhere far. Without a cell phone.
It's the perfect backdrop for recreation and reinvention. And salvaging lost skills.

This luxury isn't meant for me, so I have to make do with what's there. If I am to
embark on an inward journey, reliance on will, discipline, and focus is essential. I
am doing my best to muster all three, because I want to live and not merely survive.

III.

I am grateful that this life hasn't succeeded in making me hard.

(September 3, 2010)