Thursday, September 9, 2010

Notes on Alone-ness

I have my own battles with loneliness. It attacks when I am most tired; when I yearn for

nothing more than a warm, trusted, and familiar body to rest with. Strange as it sounds,
I find that I feel more replenished after sleeping beside my beloved, even though I don't
get my staple eight hours of shut eye.

I have learned to live without the warmth of another body, but truth be told, it was a
difficult adjustment. After four years of "practically married" life, I am now forced
by discipline, necessity, and fear to lie in an empty bed. The gaping void used to be
terrifying, but this is no longer the case, so I should be glad.

Unfortunately, I can't lie to myself. I still want to sleep beside a beloved. My patience in
this respect is tested. I should not rely on him (whoever he is) to find rest. It must come
from within, alone or not. Aloneness, right now, is a choice.

I talk about this now because I've been bombarded with sex jokes in which I am the
subject. Some of my friends say that I must get laid. While I acknowledge the fact that
intercourse is a basic human need, I rarely find myself wanting it. I can live without it. I
do not miss it enough to pursue it (At this point, I ask myself, "Why would I?"). Not that
my experiences were bad. It's just that I believe in making love without having sex. It's
all about the soul connection, really.

The idea of joining with a beloved hip to hip and skull to skull during the act of making
love has to do so much more than skin---we are mere shells, making this act is an
additional expression of a stronger bond. It is also wrought by the desire to create and
build a life together.

I have yet to find a person to trust and love. Someone I can fully be myself with.
Someone I can celebrate and will celebrate me. But until that time comes, I shall continue
to grapple with loneliness. I do think I am winning, as I feel less and less alone, even in
the toughest times of feeling really beat.

(September 2, 2010)


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