In Flux

I am supposed to be at rest, but my breathing is shallow. As I retreat to my home, to
myself, I think, now is not the time to be self-indulgent. But I am confused by the honesty
of acknowledging identity and pretentious blabber, so I write away anyway, wishing that
I am doing the former. Pinning down one's self, as most lucky ones must have already
realized by now, is a very difficult, if not excruciating activity.

I'd like to think that I've grown more observant. Everytime I do something, I imagine
stepping out of myself, so I can watch. They say the "self" is dichotomized. The first one
is the perceived self, which my not always be true, thanks to subjectivity or pessimism,
and the other is the self perceived by others, or what people know about you. More often
than not, this view is more filtered, more accurate, objective. Or, in the worst possible
case where strangers are involved, it is simply a grossly misunderstood take on who you
are. Given this, it is difficult to trust both because of their limits. These days, I simply
attempt to strike a balance by unifying these two. I just want to see things for what they
are. I want to see myself as I really am. The idea is to be consistent as possible. For
self-security's sake or inner self-preservation. (Hah!) [*This is where I begin to scoff.]

It's difficult, for a person is multi-faceted. Of course, one can opt to do away with self-
examination and observation. But I still believe that it is much wiser to trust in the
difficult. Ask yourself all the hard questions, so you can know who you truly are. These
days, it doesn't seem common. Looking at some of the people I know, they seem quite
content with surface things.* Of course, I can be wrong. (I hope I am.) But there is no
such talk of what I'm thinking of right now. It's a rarity.

Unfortunately, as I've seen myself so far, I tend to be sucked into a whirlpool of tasks.
The lines are blurred because of this and tasks become equal to identity. The core of
the self is hard to find, but we all tend to be so brash when we step into the world to go
about our business. It's so much easier to claim that we are this, we are that. Sometimes
I believe it's a trap-slash-safety net, so we all won't go mad. No wonder can't bring
myself to fully love philosophy.

It all boils down to a challenge, I guess. It's all about being honest, even though the
understanding of the self is still in the most premature of stages. It's also tricky since
everything's forever changing. There is no pinning down of the self. Everything is just
as good as it is for now. It's all about the acceptance and the reassuring feeling of having
learned something at the end of the day. That's something you can really claim that is
yours.

* Family, relatives

(September 1, 2010)