Spontaneity or Lack Thereof

I.

 

Today, I am out of my element--- I just feel like horrible clockwork. I thought in fragments just as though my entire thought process went down the drain. This fact isn't at all noticeable to onlookers. A friend even told me that I did really well handling work duties. According to him, it was "automatic," proof enough of how I've learned so much in the past few months. It's a bit hard to believe, really. If he thinks it's automatic or effortless, I'd say that I'm just on autopilot, which is very bad. I can't help but feel a tad moody and disjointed.

 

What bothers me then? There must be something (What?!). Perhaps it's my awareness of what I've neglected for the past week: my illustrations, flats, home life, motherhood, etcetera, etcetera. Plus there are other things I must attend to like writing articles and work-related stuff. Maybe I've been in denial about my plate being full ("I can do it aaaaall!"). (There are other things too which I won't dare discuss here.) The consequence of this is restlessness and the inability to be spontaneous. The whole thing just makes me want to disappear again. I am suffering from a severe sense of wanderlust all over again. I want to escape.  

 

Well… I have the weekend to get things straight. My personal assignment is to stay true to my center and to find my true north.

 

(Take a closer look, girl. Don't turn the other way.)

 

II.

 

A truth to be faced: You are a hermit and you like it.

 

III.

 

Dominant words of the day: "nebulous," "disjointed," and "can't".

Punctuation mark of the day: the interrobang (?!)

 

IV.

 

Gah. Blergh. Argh. Expletitives, expletitives!

 

V. (________)

 

1.)    Work with

2.)    Rest with

3.)    Dream with

 

VI.

 

Oh clarity, show yourself. I implore you.

 

(September 18, 2010)